


Love and Jealousy

by felineranger



Series: Friends and Lovers [2]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-07
Updated: 2008-02-07
Packaged: 2017-10-08 03:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 16,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/72007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Love and Friendship. It's six months on, Alex is back, and things are going to get complicated...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 17

 

            Arnold Rimmer wandered down Green Corridor 661, twirling a spanner in his fingers and cheerfully humming a marching tune.  He smiled and nodded at other crew members that he passed.  Those who didn’t know him smiled and nodded back; those who did know him looked at him with undisguised bafflement.  It had got to the point now where people were starting to talk.  Why had the most obnoxious man on the ship suddenly started being nice to people?  Over the last few months his behaviour had changed radically.  He’d stopped reporting people on charges of excessive noise just for walking past his sleeping quarters when he was revising.  He’d stopped filing complaints against his charges on Z-shift for sporting ‘unsuitable haircuts’ or ‘thinking unflattering thoughts of a superior technician’.  He’d started to ask people how they were; and actually seemed interested in their replies.  There was no doubt about it.  Something strange had happened in Rimmerworld.  And nobody seemed to know what.

            The answer was, of course, fairly obvious to anyone who’d cared to sit down and really ponder it.  Rimmer was getting laid.  The answer might not have been so obvious to anybody wondering who was doing the laying.  There weren’t many who would have guessed, even after much hard thought, that the reason for Rimmer’s new-found _joi-de-vivre_ was his bunkmate.

            Rimmer and Lister had been secretly seeing each other for almost six months, and nobody – not even their closest friends – knew about it.  When the outside world was watching, they were their normal bickering selves.  Anyone meeting them for the first time would have been bemused as to why they spent so much time in one another’s company when all they seemed to do was squabble; but even the few people who did understand the slightly quirky relationship that the pair had, didn’t know the full story.  That in the privacy of their sleeping quarters, when the outside world was locked out and oblivious, Lister and Rimmer were madly, passionately, thrillingly in love.

            They had talked for a long time before deciding to keep their affair secret.  It would have been impossible to tell the rest of the posse without it becoming a huge ‘thing’ and they weren’t certain they wanted the hassle of being a ‘thing’ yet.  They wanted some time to enjoy their relationship before ‘thingness’ became a major issue.  And as far as they could see, where the rest of the ship’s crew were concerned...well, it was none of their business, was it?  And besides...things were more fun this way.

            It was a game Lister had become much too used to playing.  Before he and Rimmer had gotten together, Lister had been carrying on a surreptitious fling with his good friend Alex that had lasted about three months.  It had ended without much fanfare when Alex had left to participate in one of the Dwarf’s scout missions; at which point Lister had discovered that the secret side of their relationship hadn’t been as secret as they’d thought.  Rimmer knew everything and he wasn’t impressed.  In fact he was out-and-out, green-eyed jealous; and it hadn’t taken Lister long to decide on a way to smooth his bunk-mates ruffled feathers.

            Somewhere at the back of both their minds was an irritating voice that insisted on reminding them that things couldn’t go on this way forever.  That sooner or later they had to confess or be found out, but they weren’t dwelling on it.  Quite frankly, they were having too much fun.


	2. Chapter 2

 

            Rimmer was just tidying up his tools for the day when he heard somebody shouting his name.  His first instinct was to wonder if he should hide – he was not by any means the most popular person on board this ship.  He ran through his memory and was fairly sure he hadn’t done anything recently to upset anyone.  He decided to risk looking up and searching out the owner of the voice.  For a moment he was sure he couldn’t see anybody he knew, but then he caught sight of somebody at the other end of the corridor waving at him.  He squinted, trying to bring them into focus, and suddenly his heart rate increased by half.

            It was Alex.  His hair was shorter and he’d picked up a tan, not a huge difference but enough to make Rimmer have to look twice before he recognised him.  And he was coming over.  Rimmer stood up straighter, tensing up despite himself.  He didn’t like Alex.  He never had and he never would.  It didn’t matter that he and Lister were together now.  It didn’t matter that anything there had been between Lister and Alex had gone under the bridge and out to sea some time ago.  Alex was the enemy.  And in all truthfulness, Alex had never particularly cared for him either.  So why was he bothering to come over here and act all chummy?

            “Hey,” Alex dropped his bag at his feet, “What are the chances?  I step back on board and walk straight into you.”  He smiled but didn’t offer to shake hands.  Rimmer smiled back tightly, “Alex.  Has it really been six months already?”

“I know.  I can hardly believe it myself.”  He gave Rimmer a split-second up and down, “You don’t seem to have changed much,” he grinned.  Rimmer seethed silently.  Damned if he was going to acknowledge the git’s trendy new haircut and tan.  “Nor you,” he said pointedly.  Alex seemed to resign himself to the fact that the temperature of this conversation was never going to make it above the freezing level and cut to the chase.  “Listen, tell Dave I’ll come by and see him tonight.  Probably about seven.  It’ll be nice to see him again.”

“I’ll do that,” Rimmer replied shortly, “Bye.”

            Alex smiled again and shook his head lightly as he bent to scoop up his bag, “Nice to see you too, Rimmer.  About seven, ok?”  He walked away in the direction of his quarters. 

            Rimmer threw the last of his things into the toolbox and set off for his own quarters.  Lister was already there, sprawled out on the lower bunk watching the vid-screen.  “Hey, tiger,” he grinned when Rimmer came in, “How was your day?”

“Same as ever,” Rimmer flopped down on top of him, and kissed the back of his neck.  Lister wriggled appreciatively and went back to watching the screen.  Rimmer hesitated for a moment and then said, “I don’t suppose you fancy going to the cinema tonight?”

“What’s on?”

“I don’t know really.  I just thought it might be nice.  Have an early dinner and then catch the...oh, the seven o’clock show maybe?”

“Yeah, okay,” Lister rolled over and put his arms up round Rimmer’s neck, “If the movie’s crap we can always sit in the back row and entertain ourselves some other way...”  He kissed him slowly and Rimmer beamed.

“Excellent.”

“You’re buying the popcorn though.”


	3. Chapter 3

 

            Lister was having lunch in the canteen on floor 22 a few days later, when someone crept up behind him and put their hands over his eyes.  His immediate reaction was that it must be Rimmer, but then it occurred to him that Rimmer was unlikely to do something so playful and intimate in front of a room full of people.  He was flummoxed.  “Guess who!” a cheerful voice behind him piped up and he felt his heart leap.  He spun round, his eyes wide.

             “Alex!”

“Hey!”  He dropped down into the chair next to Lister’s, smiling.

“You’re back!” Lister said, somewhat unnecessarily, “I mean...I knew you were due back soon but...When did you get in?”

“Tuesday night,” Alex replied, sounding surprised that he didn’t know.

“Tuesday?  Why didn’t you let me know?”

“I rather thought I did.  Didn’t you get my message?”

“What message?”

“I told Rimmer to let you know I was back.  I came over in the evening to see you but you weren’t in.”

“No, I was...I was at the cinema,” Lister said slowly, a nasty suspicion blooming in his mind. 

“He didn’t pass on the message then,” Alex scoffed, “I might have known.  Nice to see he’s as slimy as ever.” 

            Lister decided to change the subject, “You look great.  Where the smeg did they send you? Hawaii?”

“Oh, on the way back we stopped at some rocky little asteroid with a sun nearby to pick up some samples.  _This _was with factor 50 sunblock; you should have seen the guy who thought he could get away with factor 15.”  Lister winced,

“Ouch.”

“You’re not kidding.”

“So you had a good time then?  It lived up to your expectations?”

“Oh, it was boring as hell, but I’d do it again.  You never know when you’re going to find something incredible.”

“But you’re back for a little while now?”

“Yeah, they won’t send me out again for at least another six months.  It’s back to the day job for me.”

“You mean you didn’t miss the thrill and excitement of Y-shift?” Lister grinned,

“Only in my deepest, darkest moments of despair,” Alex replied grimly.  Lister laughed.

            “Do you want to come out for a drink tonight?” Alex asked, “I may as well ask you now while Rimmer’s not around to try and thwart my attempts to spend time with you.”  Lister hesitated only very momentarily before saying yes.  “Great.  Same place, same time?”

“Neutron Nights.  Half eight.” Lister confirmed with a smile.

“Ah, there are some things in life that should never change,” Alex said contentedly.


	4. Chapter 4

 

            When Lister arrived back at his quarters that evening he started getting ready to go out straight away.  He tossed his uniform into a corner and wandered naked into the shower for a wash and brush up.  When he came out again, Rimmer was home, and he was putting Lister’s uniform into the laundry basket with a look of mild despair on his face.  “Listy,” he said sadly, “I love you but I wish to god you’d learn to put things away.”

“Someday maybe,” Lister said casually, “I’m going out tonight, by the way.”

“Who with?” Rimmer asked with mild interest.

“Alex.”  Rimmer visibly stiffened.

“_Alex?_”

“Yeah, he’s back.”  Lister fixed Rimmer with a very cool look, “But then, you already knew that, didn’t you, man?”

            Rimmer went pink, embarrassed to have been caught out.  “That’s why you were so keen to go out the other night, isn’t it?  You didn’t want me to be here when he came over.”

“It slipped my mind,” Rimmer mumbled.

“Uh-huh,” Lister said, unconvinced, “Well, I’m seeing him tonight, so no harm done, eh?”

            “Do you have to?” Rimmer asked petulantly.

“No, I don’t _have_ to.  But I _want _to and I’m _going_ to.”

“And you expect me to be happy about it?” Rimmer asked incredulously.

“No.  I expect you to be _gracious_ about it.  I haven’t seen Alex for six months.  It’s not a lot to ask.”

“I’ll just sit here on my own while you go out and knock about with your ex-boyfriend then, shall I?”

“He’s not my ex-boyfriend, for smeg’s sake.”

“He’s your ex-lover,” Rimmer pointed out.

“He’s my _friend_,” Lister said firmly.  “And we’re going to have a friendly drink.  Nothing more.  Can you handle that?”  Rimmer huffed and looked away. 

            Lister sidled up and slipped his arms around his waist, “Hey,” he smiled impishly, “Remember the night we got together?  You remember what I told you about the difference between you and Alex?”  He slipped his hand into the front of Rimmer’s trousers and curled his fingers around his cock.  Despite himself, Rimmer smiled slightly triumphantly, “Yes, I remember.”

“Good,” Lister kissed him, “Don’t be jealous, Big Man.  I know who I’m coming home to.” 

            Somewhat mollified, Rimmer gave him a squeeze.  “Okay.  Don’t be back too late though.  I want to be awake enough to remind _you_ of the difference between me and Alex when you get home.”

“You can remind me right now if you like,” Lister purred, “I’ve got time for another shower...”

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

            Lister wandered into the Neutron at half-eight and after a moment spotted Alex waving to him from one of the tables.  He’d already got a round of drinks in.  “Cheers,” Lister said, dropping into the chair next to him.  He examined his drink, “Leopard.  Nice one.”

“I know it’s your favourite,” Alex smiled.  They clinked their glasses together.  “Here’s to being back on the small rouge one,” Alex said,

“Here’s to having you back,” Lister replied.

            They stayed in the bar until closing time, talking.  Lister had been worried that things might be a little stilted - awkward even – but it felt like Alex had never been away.  They fell back into their old rhythm so easily.  Despite the friction he knew it was going to trigger with Rimmer, Lister was glad to have his friend back.

            Once time had been called at the bar, they wandered back to Alex’s rooms, still talking.  “You want another drink?” Alex asked, “I’ve got a six-pack in the fridge.”  Lister checked his watch,

“I reckon I can fit in one more before I have to get back.”

“You used to be able to go all night,” Alex grinned, “You’ve got soft while I’ve been away.”

“Not everything can stay the same,” Lister grinned back.

“Come on then.  Better get cracking.”

            They entered Alex’s quarters and Lister had a look around.  It all looked just as it had when he’d left it, the day Alex had departed for his mission; only now there were a few more socks scattered about the place, and some dirty coffee cups in the kitchen area.  He turned to Alex, smiling, “You know it’s funny how...”

             Alex kissed him.  He wrapped his arms around him and kissed him with as much passion and tenderness as he had six months ago on the day he left.  Lister pulled away, surprised.  Alex beamed at him, “I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I saw you in the canteen earlier,” he said softly, “I missed you so much, Dave.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Lister said awkwardly, “But...”

“I’ve been waiting all day for the moment when we could finally be alone together.  Hell, I’ve been waiting six months!”  He bent to kiss him again but Lister leaned back, away from him and it finally dawned on Alex that there was a problem.  “What is it?” he asked, confused.

“Like I said...Not everything can stay the same, Alex,” Lister said sadly, and gently stepped out of his arms.

            “What do you mean?” he asked, wounded.

“You never wrote,” Lister said tentatively.

“I couldn’t,” he replied earnestly, “There was no post pod on our ship.  But I thought about you every day.”

“It’s just...things have kind of...moved on since then,” Lister said as gently as he could.

“Oh,” Alex said softly after a beat.

“I’m...Well, I’m with somebody now,” Lister explained.

“You didn’t say,” Alex said weakly, “When did this happen?”

“A while ago,” Lister told him diplomatically. ‘The night you left’ was maybe rubbing too much salt in the wound.  “I’m sorry.”

“Kriss?” Alex asked, trying to sound pleased for him.  Lister debated for a moment or two before answering. 

“No,” he finally said quietly; “It’s Rimmer.”

            Alex’s eyes widened so far they looked like they might pop out.  “_Rimmer?_”  Lister nodded.  “But...But he’s such a nightmare!  When I left here six months ago, half the time you weren’t even speaking to each other!  He gave you such a hard time about us hanging out together!”

“He was jealous,” Lister said simply, “He knew what we were doing and it was driving him crazy.  That’s why he was so horrible.  To me _and_ you.  And that’s why he didn’t tell me that you wanted to see me the other day.  He’s not a bad guy, Alex, really; just insecure.”

“Do you love him?” Alex asked gingerly.

“Yes.”

            Alex looked at his feet, deflated.  Lister went to him and took his hands, “Please, mate, don’t let this ruin things with us.  You’re still one of the best mates I’ve ever had and I don’t want to lose that.  Tonight’s been so great, let’s not end it on a bummer.  I’m still here for you.  I still want us to be friends.”  Alex squeezed his hands, “I want that too.  I think I can handle losing you to a git like Rimmer so long as I can keep you as a friend.”  Impulsively, Lister put his arms round him and they hugged each other tight.  “So long as you’re happy,” Alex said as they drew apart, “That’s all I ask.”

“I’m happy,” Lister assured him, “But please don’t tell anyone.  Not even Kriss or the Cat, or Kryten.  It’s still a secret.”

“Ok.  You still want that drink?”

“Yeah.  But then I’d really better get back.”

“I’m under suspicion then?”

“I think we both are.  But he’ll get over it.”

“Uh-huh,” Alex didn’t seem so convinced, “Keep telling yourself that.”

 

            Rimmer was waiting up with a book when Lister got home.  “How did it go?” he asked stiffly. 

“Great,” Lister replied, “We had a fantastic time.”

“Did he try anything?” Rimmer asked suspiciously.  Lister had thought carefully about how to handle this subject.  He had known it wasn’t even worth hoping Rimmer wouldn’t ask something of the kind.  “We talked,” Lister said, “He knows you and me are together now.  He’s happy for us and wants to be friends.  Okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll bet he was really happy,” Rimmer said snidely.

“He was _fine_, Rimmer.  All he wants is for us to be able to hang out still.  And I want that too.  I’d like it if you could at least try to be civil.”  Rimmer snorted.  Lister came and curled up beside him on the bed, “After all,” he said coaxingly, “If it hadn’t been for Alex we might never have realised how we felt about each other.  Hmmm?”  He gently stroked a finger behind Rimmer’s ear, “Surely that’s worth being a little _teensy_ bit nice next time you see him?”

“I don’t like him,” Rimmer said stubbornly.

“You don’t have to,” Lister nuzzled his nose against the bare skin of Rimmer’s neck, “You just have to not be a smeghead.  For me?”  He felt Rimmer’s hand slide round to his backside and smiled to himself.  “Well...For you, I suppose.”

“Good,” Lister kissed the side of Rimmer’s neck and let his hand move down his chest to rest between his legs, “Now let me say thank you....”

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

            Despite all of Lister’s best efforts, it soon became apparent that no matter what lengths he went to, Rimmer and Alex were never going to be able to get along.  The few times he had got them into the same room together had always ended at best with snide insults disguised under a paper-thin mask of humour, and at worst with shouted arguments.  A weary jest that perhaps all this animosity was the result of repressed desire had simply earned him poisonous looks from both parties.  He’d tried sitting between them on a group trip to the cinema, thinking that they couldn’t argue if they couldn’t talk, and hoping that a decent film might be something they could at last agree on.  Things had actually gone okay until they’d left the auditorium and Kryten had made some disapproving remark about all the couples in the back row who had quite obviously not been paying attention to the film.  “Honestly, Sirs, I don’t know why they bother coming at all if they can’t appreciate art!”  Rimmer saw Alex lean over to whisper something in Lister’s ear that made him giggle. 

            Back in their quarters Rimmer had angrily demanded to know what Alex had said to him.  “Suggesting another little trip with just the two of you, was he?  Kryten’s little speech giving him ideas?”

“No,” Lister replied, frustrated, “If you must know, what he said was, ‘Wouldn’t he be disappointed in you if he knew?’”

“Knew what?”  

“That I’ve been known to fool around in the back row of the cinema myself.”

“You _told_ him about that?” Rimmer asked, horrified.

“There’s no need to go that colour.  I haven’t been telling him all our filthy secrets.  He was talking about the time I went with him.”

            At this news, Rimmer went a different colour, “You mucked about with _him_ at the cinema?”

“Don’t say it like that, as if I’m total slut.  You’ve done it too.  Everyone does it, for smeg’s sake!”

“So that time we did it there, were you thinking about him?” Rimmer demanded.

“What?! Of course not!”

“Oh really?  We were doing the same thing, in the same place, so how can you not have thought about him?”

“Because it’s different with you!”

“How?”

“Because _I love you_!” Lister replied angrily, “Or had you forgotten?”

            Rimmer was immediately contrite.  “I’m sorry, Listy.  It’s just...Whenever I think about you with anyone else it’s like...like a red mist comes down over my brain and I get so angry and jealous...”

“You’re not like that with Kriss,” Lister said stiffly, “And I’ve got much more of a history with her than I do with Alex.”

“That’s different.”

“No, Rimmer, it isn’t.  And you’ve got to start seeing that.”

            But Rimmer couldn’t see it, and things didn’t improve over time either.  Just the thought of Dave and Alex being in the same room together made him tense.  Even if he was with them he couldn’t relax, because he didn’t know what they were_ thinking _even if he could see what they were doing.  _What if right now, Alex is imagining what he’d like to do if I wasn’t sitting here?  What if Dave is looking at him and remembering what his hands felt like?  _And if the two of them spent any time together without Rimmer present it almost drove him mad.  His brain went into a fevered frenzy, picturing what could be happening...

             _‘What do you see in that guy anyway, Dave?’ Alex purred, gently caressing Dave’s shoulders, ‘Didn’t you have more fun with me?  Aren’t I better looking?’_

_‘Well, yes, I suppose you are, Alex.  I don’t know what I must have been thinking hanging around with that Bonehead.  Throw me down on the floor and take me now!  He’ll never suspect a thing!’_

In many ways, Rimmer’s imagination was like a bad Mills &amp; Boon novel.  Trashy, sordid and completely unbelievable; but once it got going he found it very hard to disengage.  And no matter how often he told himself that Lister loved him and him alone, the presence of Alex in their life was to Rimmer like a sharp thorn forever lurking beneath the seemingly perfect bloom of their relationship.


	7. Chapter 7

 

            Unfortunately for Rimmer there was one thing that held Lister and Alex together much more strongly than any sexual attraction.  Football.  Rimmer had become resigned to the fact that the screening of a zero-gee match on the ship’s broadcast system meant that Lister had eyes for only one man the whole evening - and that was Jim Bexley Speed.  Rimmer tried to understand the bloody game.  He tried to get excited about who had the ball.  He tried to care who won.  But no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to accomplish any of these things.

            Alex, of course, knew _everything _about zero-gee.  He could run off details of players, goals and matches going back fifty years or more like some demented one-man version of Google in designer jeans.  Which Lister, of course, thought was _so _cool.  Rimmer would sit with them in the bar, getting a crick in his neck from looking up at the huge screen, listening helplessly while they nattered away in what seemed to him to be almost a foreign language and hating every minute.  And the worst part was always when someone scored, because the pair of them would always fling their arms around each other and yell, and dance, and kiss while Rimmer sat there like a fool.

            Lister had tried to tell Rimmer that this was perfectly normal behaviour for all men whether straight, gay or miscellaneous.  Rimmer had replied that it was also perfectly normal behaviour to dislike the sight of your lover wrapped around their ex, no matter what championship you’d just won.  This bone of contention was partly the reason why Rimmer was so often present at the matches, despite his disdain for the sport, and mainly the reason why Lister and Alex no longer watched the games in the privacy of Alex’s quarters.  It made Rimmer feel better to know that no matter what happened during the match, they couldn’t get too carried away with a bar full of people watching them, and Lister had decided it was a minor sacrifice to make in return for a quiet life. 

            This evening, the three of them were sat huddled at a small table beneath the big screen sharing a bowl of curly fries and getting jostled by the crowd.  Rimmer’s patience was growing thin.  He could think of a million other things he would rather be doing than sitting in the middle of this noisy scrum, but he knew the chances of tearing Lister away weren’t even as high as nil; and mostly what Rimmer wanted to be doing _was_ Lister.  But, as always, zero-gee night meant he’d taken a back seat to the amazing human trivia machine that was Alex Hunter.  “...Of course it was a foregone conclusion.  I mean Hull haven’t made it that far up the league tables since 2120 and that was only because Bolton had that problem with the Harry Berkely scandal and...”  Lister was gazing at him with an expression of total interest and admiration that made Rimmer want to throw up.  He really couldn’t take it anymore.

            He pushed back his chair and Lister turned to him with surprise, “Where are you going?”

“There’s some stuff I need to go and pick up before the shops shut.  I’ll see you later.”

“Do you want us to save your seat?”

“No, that’s alright.  I don’t think I’ll be back.”

“Well, okay.  If you’re sure,” Lister looked at him uncertainly.

“I’m sure.  Have fun,” Rimmer said woodenly before turning to go.


	8. Chapter 8

 

            Rimmer sloped along the corridor scuffing moodily at the floor.  He wasn’t sure what to do with himself now.  He didn’t really have anything to pick up at the shops, but he couldn’t very well have said, “I’m going now because I’m bored and I hate your stupid game because it means you don’t pay any attention to me all evening, and anyway I want to go home and have sex.  And by the way, I hate your stupid friend Alex too.”  Well...alright, he _could_ have said it but Lister wouldn’t have been very pleased and it wasn’t particularly subtle either.

            Rimmer knew it wasn’t exactly a mature way to look at a relationship, but he couldn’t help wishing he had more _control_ over Lister.  It would be nice if he could just stand up and say “Right, let’s go home now” and Lister would follow him.  Or if he could say, “Stop listening to Alex and talk to me” or even better, “No, you’re not going to see Alex tonight; you’re going to stay in and play strip Risk with me.”

            It wasn’t that he wanted to _own_ Lister...Or not entirely at any rate.  He just wished there was a way of making him more...biddable.  More _his_.  A slow smile started to cross Rimmer’s face.  Maybe he would make a quick stop at the shops after all.......

 

            Lister danced back in to their sleeping quarters a few hours later, crowing with triumphant glee, “Three-nil, man!  You should have stayed, it was a brilliant game.”

“Oh, you know I don’t give a damn about zero-gee,” Rimmer shook his head dismissively. 

“Yeah, I know,” Lister said, deflating a little, “But it was still fun.  Where did you go anyway?”

“To find something even more fun,” Rimmer said secretively, crossing the room and closing Lister in his arms.  Lister leaned back warily, but he was smiling.  “Something more fun than football?  I’m intrigued...”

“No more talking now,” Rimmer said sternly.  He gave Lister a firm kiss and started to undo his shirt.  When it was completely unbuttoned he slid his hands inside to caress Lister’s bare back; then pushed the shirt off his shoulders completely and dropped it onto the floor. 

            He kissed him again, letting his hands wander down this time to curl around his ass and pull him closer.  He could feel Lister’s cock against him now, already hard and ready for action, as was his own.  But they could both wait a little longer.  He turned Lister round, grasped his hips and pulled him back tight against his body, kissing his neck feverishly.  Lister murmured, reaching up to tangle one hand in Rimmer’s unruly curls.  But Rimmer’s mind was elsewhere.  With one hand he was carefully unknotting his tie and sliding it off; the other hand was busy unzipping Lister’s jeans and otherwise distracting him in a most pleasant way; so when he slid the silky cloth over Lister’s eyes and bound it tightly in place, it did actually come as something of a surprise.  “Ooo...!” Lister giggled, somewhat startled, “What’s this?” He started to reach up blindly, but Rimmer gently took his wrist and lowered it. 

“Just a bit of fun, Listy.  Think you can handle it?”

“I can handle anything you care to throw at me, Duke,”

“Really?  You might regret that statement before the night’s out.” 

“You wouldn’t do anything too bad, you love me too much,” Lister said smugly.

“Is that so?” Rimmer replied smoothly.

            Lister felt Rimmer’s hand on his chest, pushing him gently but firmly down into a ready-placed chair, then it slid upwards as Rimmer circled him and started to rub his shoulders.  “You sure about that?”

“Fairly sure...” Lister smiled, playing the game.  Rimmer’s hands slid down his arms and grasped his wrists.  Lister gasped as he suddenly felt cold metal against his skin... and the firm click of steel handcuffs suddenly locked him to the chair.  “Maybe you’re too trusting, Listy,” Rimmer whispered.

            Actually, Lister had been expecting something of this sort for a while.  He’d been wondering how long it would take before Rimmer’s ‘lower’ desires started to crop up in their relationship.  He supposed Rimmer had been waiting until he felt he could trust Lister before revealing one of his darker fantasies, unaware that his lover already knew much more about his psyche than he could have imagined.  The question now was, just how much _did_ he trust Rimmer?  The idea of being whipped to within an inch of his life didn’t really appeal.

            He felt Rimmer’s hands rest on his thighs, then the touch of their lips made him forget his concerns.  Rimmer kissed his throat, then his bare chest, then sucked firmly on his nipples.  Lister moaned and squirmed slightly in his seat, and doubly so when he felt his trousers being eased down to expose his huge erection.  “You sure you can handle this?” Rimmer purred in his ear, “Or should I stop?”

“Don’t you dare!” Lister whispered back breathlessly. 

            Strong fingers wrapped firmly around his cock and he moaned softly.  “And what are you going to do about it if I _do_ decide to stop, Listy?  What are you going to do if I decide to maybe go out for a while and leave you here, chained up alone, until I get back?”

“You wouldn’t,” Lister said, but somewhat uncertainly.

“Maybe you wouldn’t even know,” Rimmer continued softly, “Maybe I could just go over there and open and close the door.  You wouldn’t know if I was gone or not.  I could be down at the ship’s cinema, or I could just be lying a few feet away on the bed, watching you.  You look good, you know.  The bondage thing suits you.  I could bring myself off right now just looking at you.”  His hand was still slowly stroking Lister’s cock. 

            “C’mon,” Lister whispered pleadingly, “Don’t be such a tease, man.  Just do me.”

“All in good time, Listy.  I thought maybe you should do me first.”  He felt Rimmer’s hand curl around the back of his neck and push his head down, until the handcuffs bit at his wrists as the chain pulled tight against the chair, and he couldn’t go any further.  He felt the velvet smoothness of Rimmer’s cock brush against his lips.  “Now I want you to suck me,” Rimmer purred, “And if you do it nicely and don’t spill a drop, then _maybe_ when you’re done I’ll let you up from that chair and return the favour.”

“Yes, Sir,” Lister murmured throatily and Rimmer gave a small shiver of delight.  He had to hand it to Listy; the little bastard knew his desires better than he did.


	9. Chapter 9

 

            Rimmer spent the next week or so in a smug daze that his plan had worked so well.  He had been nervous at first as to how Lister would react to the whole idea; he’d half expected him to turn and storm out in disgust and indignation.  But Lister hadn’t seemed shocked at all.  In fact he’d played along so willingly – and so perfectly – that Rimmer could hardly believe his luck.  Even so, after the first time, once they were curled up sleepily together in bed, Rimmer had felt the need for reassurance.  Holding anxiously onto Lister’s hand, he’d asked, “You don’t think it’s...wrong...at all, do you?  What we just did?” 

            Lister had opened one weary eye to see if he was serious.  “You’re kidding, right?  Loads of people do it, man, it’s just a bit of fun.”

“I don’t want you to feel, you know, objectified, or anything,” Rimmer added earnestly.  Lister looked at him blankly. 

“I don’t know what that means,” he replied.

“Oh.  Well, it’s probably alright then.  Just...if you don’t like it then do tell me, won’t you?”    

“Rimmer,” Lister rolled over to face him with a slightly mocking smile, “I know you like to imagine that I’m pure as fresh snow and all that, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to shatter that sweet image.  I’m a bad, filthy, naughty boy and I loved playing your dirty little game.  So don’t sweat it, okay?  I don’t think any less of you for wanting to chain me up.”  He leaned over and gave him a kiss, “Now go to sleep, huh?”

            What was really great was that now Rimmer felt much more comfortable confiding some of his more shameful desires to Lister, their sex life had become one hundred times more fulfilling; and as a result, Lister was spending less time with Alex and more time in bed.  In fact, he’d become such an enthusiastic participant in their little games, that Rimmer half-wondered if maybe Lister hadn’t been repressing a few things too....

            Either way, the new spark in their relationship meant that for once Alex had taken a back seat, and Rimmer couldn’t have been happier.  Sadly, it couldn’t last.

            One evening, as the two of them were enjoying some alone time, there was a knock at the door of their quarters.  After sharing a brief look of ‘Shit! What do we do?’ Rimmer took the initiative.  “Who is it?” he called breathlessly.

“It’s me,” Alex’s voice came through the door, “Is Dave there?”  Rimmer turned to glare at Lister,

“What did you invite him over for?” he hissed.

“I didn’t invite him over!” Lister hissed back, “Do you think I’d be doing this right now if I was expecting company?”

“Erm...He’s a little tied up at the moment!” Rimmer called out.  Lister giggled quietly.  There was a short pause.

 “Is everything okay in there?” Alex asked suspiciously.

 “Fine!” Rimmer shouted out, “Things couldn’t be hunky-dorier!”  Lister was doing something with his mouth which suggested he felt it was time Rimmer wrapped this conversation up and got back down to business.  Alex wasn’t having it, “Dave, are you alright?”

“He’s fine, Alex!  Just sod _off_, will you?”  

“Dave?”

            Trying not to burst out laughing, Lister shouted back, “I’m okay, man.  Just now’s not a good time, get my drift?”

“Oh.”  There was an embarassed silence.

“I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

“Yeah, alright.  See you later then.”

“Bye!”

“Are you quite finished chatting?” Rimmer asked peevishly.

“Sorry, Duke.  Where were we?”

           

            “What’s his problem, anyway?” Rimmer asked later.

“What do you mean?”

“Checking if you’re _okay_.  I mean, does he think I’m beating you or something?”

“He’s half right,” Lister replied jokingly, rubbing his decidedly pink backside.

“How much of an asshole does he think I am?”

“I think you know the answer to that one,” Lister replied, apparently amused.

“But still!  As if I’d hit you!  Well...you know...”

“Maybe he was worried that you’d killed me in a jealous rage.  I haven’t seen him for a few days.  He probably thought I was ill or something.”

“Yeah, he was probably here to kiss it all better,” Rimmer sniped.

“Don’t start,” Lister said easily.  He rolled out of bed.

“Where are you going?”

“I said I’d catch up with him later, didn’t I?”

“Do you have to?” Rimmer was irked.

“Come on now.  Would General Patton whine like that?  You can come too if you like.”

“Oh, and have a friendly drink with the guy who thinks I’m Hannibal Lecter and Charles Manson rolled into one?”

“Well, actually, you _did_ bite me pretty hard,” Lister smiled.  Rimmer didn’t smile back.  “Oh, fine.  Be like that.  I’ll see you later.”

            When Lister was gone, Rimmer rolled over in the bunk to stare at the wall and seethe.  Foiled again.  Maybe some new playthings would do the trick.  But no...Lister wasn’t the brightest penny, but even he would wise up soon enough to the fact that every time he went out with Alex, Rimmer came home with a new sex toy.  It made him look desperate.  There was only one way to solve this, and it was time for Rimmer to take the bull by the horns....


	10. Chapter 10

 

            Rimmer knocked on the door of Alex’s quarters the next day, his jaw set in a grim expression of determination.  He’d tried to talk things through with Lister the night before when he’d finally come in from the pub, but unsurprisingly it had just ended in the same old row.  It was time to do this _his_ way. 

            When Alex finally opened the door he looked surprised to see Rimmer – but not excessively.  He looked like he might have been expecting this visit sooner or later.  “Hello,” he said guardedly.

“Hi,” Rimmer said shortly, “Can I come in?”

“I suppose you’d better.”

            Inside, they faced each other, keeping a chilly distance.  “To what do I owe this honour?” Alex asked sarcastically.

“I want you to stay away from Dave,” Rimmer said simply.  Alex smiled bitterly,

“I guessed as much.”

“You won’t?”

“No.  Whether you believe it or not, me and Dave are nothing but friends these days.  Good friends too.  I don’t see why that should change just because you’re a jealous prick.”

“Don’t give me that ‘just friends’ smeg.  The only reason you’re ‘just friends’ is because he doesn’t want you anymore.  Given half a chance you’d be all over him like lycra on a cyclist!  You’re just hanging round waiting for something to go wrong so you can elbow your way back between us.  Well, you’re wasting your time.  He’s never going to come back to you, so you may as well just call it a day and leave us alone!”

“Listen, if there are problems between you and Dave then it’s because of _your_ lousy behaviour.  Not me.”

“We’re not having any problems,” Rimmer snarled, “And we’re not going to either.”

“Then it’s not going to make any difference if me and Dave stay friends,” Alex replied firmly.

            “You don’t give a damn about being his friend! You just think that sooner or later you’re going to be able to get him back into bed!  Well, it’s not going to happen!”

“Then you’ve got nothing to worry about, have you?” Alex said with infuriating calmness.  “Let me put this as clearly as I can.  When Dave tells me that he doesn’t want us to be friends anymore then I’ll back off with all the good grace in the world and you’ll never see me again.  Until then I’m going to be around, whether you like it or not.  And with you behaving like such an asshole, he’s going to need a friend more than ever.”

            “He doesn’t need you,” Rimmer said disparagingly, “He wouldn’t have cared if you’d never come back from your cruddy little mission!”

“Whatever you say, Rimmer.”

“It’s true!” Rimmer’s face flushed red with the effort of shouting.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...”

“Ask him!  You ask him how much he missed you and see what he says!  Because the truth is that he didn’t give a damn!  You hadn’t been gone a full twenty-four hours before he was in bed with me.”

“What?” Alex said scornfully.

“That’s right!” Rimmer said triumphantly, “He was with me the night you left.  I even asked him about you and do you know what he said?”

“Tell me,” Alex said, narrowing his eyes, as if wondering whether or not to believe all this.

“He told me it was for the best that you’d left, because things would never have worked out with you guys anyway.  He said he didn’t love you and that if you tried to write to him, that if you tried to keep the relationship going, then he would ignore your letters until they stopped.”  Alex looked uncertain.  “_And_ he said I had a bigger dick than you!” Rimmer couldn’t resist adding, folding his arms.

“You’re unbelievable,” Alex said with undisguised disgust.  “You really are a miserable little man.  I almost pity you.”

“Ask him!” Rimmer insisted, “If you don’t believe me then look him in the eye and ask him to tell you it’s not true.”

            Alex took a deep breath to calm himself, “It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true,” he said slowly.  “What matters is here and now.  And whatever Dave felt about me then, he loves you now.  However little you deserve it.”

“Damn right!”

“And if things are going to stay that way, you need to wake up.”

“You’re not seriously telling me you think you can give _me_ advice about Dave?” Rimmer said, insulted.

“_What I’m telling you, Rimmer, is that if you carry on like this he’s not going to love you very much longer!_” Alex finally lost his temper.   

“Oh, really?”

“_Yes_, really.  How do you think he would react if he knew what you were doing right now, for instance?”

            Rimmer glared at him but Alex continued, “Do you have some deluded idea that he would be flattered?  That he’d shrug it off because he understands you’re only doing it because you love him?  You need to get a grip, Rimmer.  If he finds out, he’s going to be furious; and with good reason.  Do you really want to lose him just because you can’t keep your ridiculous jealousy in check?”

“I’m not going to lose him.  If he has to choose between us, he’s going to choose me.”

“If you try to make him choose I think you’ll find out different,” Alex said grimly, “And not because he loves me more than you or any other crap like that.  But because people don’t like being pushed around like chess pieces – even by the people they love.  You have no right to decide who he can hang out with, and it’s _certainly_ not up to you who _I_ choose to spend time with.”

“Oh, spare me the indignation on his behalf!”

“Dave’s not a pushover.  He’s not a doormat.  And he’s sure as hell not your property.  He’s got too much spirit for that.  That’s the reason you love him.  Don’t let it be the thing that drives you apart.”

            For a moment or two, Rimmer actually seemed to take this on board.  Then his expression hardened and he leaned deep into Alex’s personal space.  “Let me put this as simply as I can,” he said sweetly, “I don’t care what you tell him.  You can start an argument, you can ignore his calls, you can fake your own smegging death, for all I care!  But if I ever see you near Dave again, I am going to punch your lights out.”  Alex turned his back on him in disgust.

“Get out, Rimmer.”

            Rimmer turned and left, hitting the door panel a little harder than was necessary on the way out.

           


	11. Chapter 11

 

            Lister was having a sneaky cigarette break on Blue Corridor 653 when Lauren Foster from Y-Shift wheeled her trolley round the corner and spotted him.  “Hey,” she grinned, when he looked up guiltily, “Got one for me too?”  He grinned back and offered her the pack.  She took one and leaned against the wall beside him, lighting up.  “You alright?”

“Yeah, not so bad.”

“How’s things with your roommate?”

“Oh, same as ever.  You know...” Lister shrugged innocently.

“He’s a smeghead,” Lauren blew a smoke ring.

“He’s getting better,” Lister said defensively.  Lauren looked at him and raised an eyebrow, “Well...I mean...Compared to how he used to be.”

“He couldn’t have got much worse.  But I think you’re right.  He’s been making more of an effort lately.  Well...with some people anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Lister asked.

            Lauren tapped a small pile of ash onto the floor, “Still doesn’t get on much with Alex, does he?”

“No,” Lister sighed, “Not much.”

“It must really suck that you can’t have your best mate over without your roommate kicking off and starting a fight.  I had a similar problem when I was at school; my two best mates hated each others guts.  Couldn’t do anything with the three of us together, they just bitched the whole time.  It drove me nuts, always having to take sides.”

“Sounds familiar,” Lister smiled wearily.

“Well, I warn you, you’re probably in for an earful when you get home tonight.  I saw Rimmer leaving Alex’s quarters earlier this afternoon...”  Lister choked on his cigarette, “...and talk about a face of thunder.  I didn’t hear anything but he looked ready to wallop somebody.  It must have been a pretty bad row.”

“Rimmer was over at Alex’s place?” Lister asked, staring at her, “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” she nodded.

“But..._Why?_” 

            She shrugged helplessly, “I’ve no idea.  I only saw him as he was leaving and noticed that he looked angry.  I don’t know what it was about.” 

_I bet I do_, Lister thought grimly.  “Oh, smegging hell,” he stubbed out his cigarette angrily.  So Rimmer was going out of his way to make things worse with Alex now?  He was stirring things up behind Lister’s back?  Because there couldn’t really be any other explanation.  He sure as hell wouldn’t have gone to see Alex for a cup of coffee and a chat; certainly not after last night.

“Sorry, to be the bearer of bad news,” Lauren said sympathetically.

“That’s okay.  It’s probably better that I know.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.”

“My advice?  Just don’t get involved.  Let them sweat it out on their own and keep well out of it.  They can’t always put you in the middle.”

“Good advice,” Lister said tensely, “But somehow I don’t think I’m going to have a choice in the matter.”

           

            Lister was still steaming when he arrived back at the sleeping quarters.  The walk back had done nothing to calm him down; if anything the extra thinking time had just made him angrier.  Rimmer was sitting at the table with a book in his hands, attempting to look innocuous, as if he’d been there all day.  “Hey, Listy,” he said sweetly, not looking up.  “Don’t you _‘Hey, Listy’_ me,” Lister replied in a voice colder than Rimmer had ever heard.  He looked up cautiously,

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked innocently.

“And don’t give me that either!  I know that you’ve been out picking a fight with Alex!”  Rimmer, realising there was no point keeping up the charade any longer, narrowed his eyes.  “I should have known the smarmy git would go running to tell on me as soon as I left.  Typical.”

“Alex didn’t tell me anything.  I haven’t even seen him today.  Lauren saw you leaving his quarters earlier.  She told me she thought you two had been fighting.”

“What business is it of that nosy cow?” Rimmer snapped.

“Never mind her.  What happened?  Why were you over at Alex’s?”

“Just setting a few things straight, that’s all.”

“Like what?”

“Like where he stands in this little _ménage a trois_,” Rimmer replied bitterly.

“Excuse me?” Lister said incredulously.  “_Ménage a trois_?  Is that what you think this is?”

“Well, that’s what it’s starting to feel like!”

“You actually think I’m having an affair with Alex?” Lister asked, offended.

“How do I know?” Rimmer shouted at him, “You’re with him often enough!  How do I know what the two of you are getting up to when I’m not there?”

“There’s a little thing called trust, Rimmer!  It’s what you’re meant to have in a relationship when you love somebody!” Lister shouted back.

            “Well, it doesn’t matter now,” Rimmer said shortly, “Because you’re not going to be spending any more time with that git.”

“Says who?” Lister asked indignantly.

“Says me,” Rimmer replied fiercely, “And I think I made it clear to him that I meant it.”

“What did you say to him?” Lister demanded.

“In short, Lister, I told him that if I saw him near you again, he was going to get a short, sharp visit from Mr Fist.”

“I’m sure he was terrified,” Lister said sarcastically.

“We’ll see, won’t we?  Because I _do_ mean it, Lister.  Enough is enough.  I don’t want you seeing him anymore.”  

“A little advice for you, Rimmer,” Lister said icily, “Those handcuffs are for use in the bedroom only.  They’re not supposed to turn up anywhere else in the relationship.”

“Well, they will if you don’t start towing the line, miladdo,” Rimmer said firmly.

“Listen, I spent six years living with your hologram, and in all that time he never got the hang of making me do what I was told,” Lister replied defiantly, “Don’t think that you can do any better.”

“Is it really that hard to do just one little thing to make the person you’re meant to love happy?” Rimmer asked, exasperated.

“I do love you!  And if you really loved me then you wouldn’t be doing this because you’d trust me!”

            “How can I trust you?” Rimmer exploded, “If you won’t give him up for me then how can I believe that I’m the one you love?  How can I believe that the two of you spent all day playing computer games, when for months and months you were telling me exactly the same thing and you were boffing each others brains out?  How can I trust you, Lister, when almost everything you ever told me about your relationship with Alex was a lie?!”

“You know why I kept it quiet for so long!  For the same reason that we’ve never told anybody about you and me!”

“Except him.”

“Because he’s the only person who I knew would understand!” Lister protested.  “I’ve told you everything you’ve ever wanted to know about what happened between me and Alex.  I’ve answered honestly to anything you’ve asked me.  And if I had known where you stood, I would have told you it all at the time!”

“I want to believe you,” Rimmer said grimly, “But somehow I just can’t.  I don’t think you would ever have told me anything if I hadn’t confronted you about it.  I think you enjoy the secrecy of it all too much.  I think that’s partly why you’ve never told anybody - except of course for the charming Alex - about you and me.  And I think the only reason you told _him_ is because you get a kick playing us off against each other.”

“That’s not true!”  Lister was stunned at the accusation.

“In fact, I think you probably knew all along how I felt about you!  Was it all a game to you, Lister?  All those ridiculously blatant lies you told me; were you just seeing how long you could rub my face in it before I cracked?  Was I just a handy distraction to you?  Something to fill the time until Alex came back?”

“Of course not!”

“_So stop seeing him!_”

“_No!_  Whatever you think I’m doing, I have the right to spend time with whoever I want!” Lister shouted, “And you can’t stop me!”

“Fine!” Rimmer thundered, “You think it’s beneath you to be faithful in a relationship?  You think you’ve got the right to fuck around with whoever you feel like?”

“No!” Lister yelled, “That’s not...!”

“Well, be my guest!” Rimmer yelled into his face, “Go screw your heart out with that arrogant bastard you think so much of!  You’ve probably done it fifty times already, so why not?”

“I have never been unfaithful to you!” Lister shouted back, hurt, but Rimmer wasn’t listening. 

            “I don’t know why I ever expected anything else of you!  You’ve always been a total slut!   You just put out for anyone who’ll have you, don’t you; whether it’s me or Alex or even Kriss!  You were probably giving that other version of me everything he wanted in the bedroom, even if you wouldn’t do what you were told in the cockpit!  That’s probably the only reason he put up with you!”  Lister was shocked to silence by the viciousness in Rimmer’s voice.  “Well, you can go and be another notch on Alex’s bedpost until he gets tired of you.  Maybe if you’re lucky he’ll pass you on to another of his ‘_friends_’ when he gets bored,” Rimmer injected the word with undisguised venom, “Because we all know how Alex carries on with his _friends_, don’t we?”

“Well, maybe I’d like that!” Lister yelled back, furiously, “Maybe I’ll screw the whole damn lot of them and then send you the photos!  And I hope you get as much of a kick out of it as I will!”  He turned to storm out and Rimmer shouted after him,

“Photos?  Smeg, why stop there, Listy?  Why not make a movie and screen it at the ship’s cinemas on Friday nights?  I’m sure nobody will be seeing anything of you that they haven’t before!”

“_Bastard!_” Lister yelled tearfully over his shoulder as he left.

“_Slut!_” Rimmer shouted back.  The door hummed shut.

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

            Lister marched along the corridor with his head down, hoping nobody would notice his teary eyes.  He pulled his mini-messenger out of his pocket and dialled Alex.  To hell with Rimmer and all his lousy suspicions, he needed his friend right now.  The messenger screen flashed red and instead of the normal sight of Alex’s smiling face asking what was up, he was presented with a message.  _Alex is currently unavailable.  Please try later._  Lister swore and tried again.  Alex never turned his messenger off, even at work; it had to be a signal fault.  But no, same again.  Lister shoved the device angrily back into his pocket and headed for the nearest lift.  Alex was bound to be out of work and back at his quarters by now.  He would just have to find him there.

            He tried the messenger twice more in the lift with no success.  He let his head thump back against the lift wall, and content that he was on his own in here for at least ten minutes, he gave in and let a few tears escape.  If anyone had told him even a year ago that a few sharp words from Rimmer could make him cry he’d have laughed out loud.  And now here he was, sniffling and hiccupping pathetically in a lift because the two of them had had a fight.  How ironic. 

            He wiped at his eyes.  In all fairness, it had been more than a fight; it had been more like a nuclear war.  He still couldn’t believe that Rimmer had really said half of those things, it stung to realise just how little the man he loved actually thought of him.  _You’ve always been a slut for anyone who’ll have you.  _Lister’s face burned as he replayed the insult in his head.  Well, there were a few advantages to being a slut, weren’t there?  And Alex had always been very appreciative of them all.  Lister narrowed his eyes and smiled bitterly.  Yes, why not?  It was what Rimmer expected after all, wasn’t it?  If he was going to be accused of infidelity, he might as well enjoy it.  Maybe he _was _a slut, but tonight he would be Alex’s slut and Rimmer could stick that where the stars don’t shine.

            He stepped out of the lift and made his way purposefully to Alex’s quarters.  He was more than a little perturbed to find them empty.  It was unusual for Alex to have gone out without inviting him along; even if he was seeing other friends he normally let Lister know where to find him.  Frustrated, he tried his messenger again.  Still no reply.  A nasty suspicion started to grow in his mind.

            What if Alex had actually taken Rimmer’s threat seriously?  He knew it was ridiculous but treacherous uncertainty nagged at him.  Was Alex actually avoiding him?  Feeling extremely downhearted, Lister decided to head to Neutron Nights.  If Alex had gone out he was likely to turn up there at some point in the evening.  Maybe he could catch him then and find out if there was a reasonable explanation for this disappearance. 

           

            Six floors above Lister, Alex was sitting in Sir Isaac’s, a wine bar that they usually avoided.  He sipped at a sour glass of white wine and sighed miserably.  On the table his messenger buzzed again and he looked at it guiltily.  ‘_You have...eight...missed calls from...Dave..._’ it informed him in its cheerful but oddly disjointed female voice.  Alex picked it up and toyed with it uncertainly.  He really wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing.  He reminded himself for the hundredth time that he wasn’t doing this to comply with Rimmer’s odious request – if you could call it such - and it irked him to think that the git would probably assume that was the case. 

            He’d had an inkling that Rimmer wouldn’t be able to keep their argument a secret for long, and that there would probably be some fireworks tonight when Dave found out what had happened, and he’d decided that it would be best if he stayed out of it.  If Lister and Rimmer had a row, Alex knew what would happen.  Dave would come to him to drown his sorrows, Rimmer would have another hissy fit and nothing would get sorted out.  If he kept out of the way this time then eventually Dave would have to go home to Rimmer; and then maybe the two of them might finally work something out so that they could all get along.  It was certainly way overdue.  ‘_You have...nine...missed calls from...Dave..._’

            Alex sighed again and put the messenger back down on the table.  Way, way overdue, he reminded himself once more.


	13. Chapter 13

 

            Lister found himself a quiet corner in Neutron Nights where he could see who was coming and going.  He was almost certain that Alex would show up at some point in the evening.  With a heavy sigh, he leaned back into his seat and lit a cigarette.  He was more or less done with the tears now, but the lighter shook slightly in his fingers as he lifted it; and the tight knot in his throat warned that they might yet make a reappearance if he thought too much about what had transpired earlier this evening.  If only Alex would show up...

            A small guilt pixie somewhere in his stomach gave him a sharp kick. _If you go ahead with this_, it shouted, _you’re no better than Rimmer said you were.  All you’ll do is prove that he was right all along!_   Lister drowned it with lager.  If that was really how Rimmer felt then good luck to him, he thought fiercely.  He could go back to being lonely and bitter if he wanted, but Lister couldn’t do it.  He’d had enough of loneliness to last him a lifetime.  If Rimmer didn’t want him then he was sure Alex would.  Okay, their relationship had been strictly platonic for the last three months and they hadn’t spoken for six months before that, but Lister felt fairly certain that wouldn’t be an issue.  Alex had been more or less in love with him before he left for his scout mission, and he’d made it clear when he’d returned that the six months apart had done nothing to change that.  And if Alex did have any lingering reservations...Well, he was sure he could overcome them with a little persuasion...

            The guilt pixie obviously wasn’t quite dead yet, because at this point in Lister’s train of thought it managed to get its head above water and shriek out the word _Slut!_  Lister poured some more lager on it and it gurgled and went silent.               

 

            Rimmer tossed his textbook aside and stared at the empty bunk.  “Huh,” he said moodily and stomped over to the drinks cabinet.  He poured himself a white wine spritzer and drank it with a sour expression.  Then had another.  And another.  “Hmph,” he added bitterly, and stomped to the vid-screen.  Flick.  Flick.  Flick.  Nothing on.  “Bah,” he grumbled and sat down at the table with his arms folded.  He looked at the clock and fidgeted.  It was getting late.  He’d spent the last two hours expecting Lister to come back at any moment in floods of tears, begging for forgiveness.  It hadn’t happened yet.  He tapped his fingers impatiently on the table.  A little guilt pixie of his own was doing what felt like a Keith Moon drum solo on his stomach wall, and it was threatening to smash its instruments at the end of the set.  Maybe, Rimmer finally admitted to himself, just maybe he’d gone a little teensy bit too far.

            Now that he’d calmed down, he could see that he’d let his temper run away with him.  He’d said some things he didn’t mean.  He‘d said some things that were perhaps unfair.  _Let’s be totally honest here, Arn_, the guilt pixie screamed; _You were an utter bastard and you’ll be damn lucky if he ever comes home again!!!  _Rimmer stood up and paced.  Okay, he’d been out of order, but Lister hadn’t been entirely blameless in the whole thing.  And anyway, he knew what Rimmer was like.  He wouldn’t have taken all those things he’d said completely seriously.  Would he?   

            _Go screw your heart out with that arrogant bastard!  Go and be another notch on his bedpost!  _Rimmer winced at the memory.  Not the smartest thing he could have said, certainly.  Had Lister taken him up on it?  Was he even now, right at this moment, naked underneath that obnoxious pretty-boy?  Breathless, helpless with pleasure, slick with sweat, giving him what he’d never given anybody before Rimmer?  It might have seemed a small, even petty thing, but in moments of jealousy Rimmer had always treasured the knowledge that despite everything Lister had done with Alex, there was one privilege only he had ever enjoyed.  Alex had never been inside him.  Alex had never felt the blissful tightness of Lister’s perfect ass round his cock.  He’d never possessed him completely, both inside and out.  Only Rimmer had ever known that pleasure.  It was an honour that he cherished, and he’d always thought that it meant something to Lister as well.  He bit his lip in anxiety.  Would Lister throw away something that special out of spite? 

A spring of panic was starting to bubble up in Rimmer’s guts.  He grabbed his jacket, meaning to go and find Lister and stop him from doing whatever he might be doing, but he hesitated.  What if Lister came back to make up and he wasn’t here?  What if he assumed that Rimmer didn’t care about their fight and had gone out to have fun without him?  If he wasn’t already with Alex, then that would send him there without a doubt.  He sat back down again and decided to try Lister’s messenger.  _Dave...has...temporarily...barred your number..._

            Rimmer slumped back in his chair.  That meant wherever Dave was, he was still angry.  He shot another uncertain glance at the door, wondering if he should risk leaving their quarters to try and find him.  He decided against it.  As Lister had pointed out to him, there was a little thing called trust.  He would have to trust that sooner or later Lister would calm down and come home, and that he wouldn’t do anything they’d both regret in the meantime. 

 

            Lister drained another pint glass and lit a fresh ciggie.  His hands wavered again slightly, but this time it wasn’t because he was upset.  There was a forest of empty glasses in front of him.  There had been no sign of Alex and by this time he was starting to give up hope.  It seemed more and more likely that his friend was deliberately avoiding him.  He hadn’t answered any of Lister’s messages – unheard of – and he’d disappeared off to a part of the ship where he was unlikely to find him.  Lister felt betrayed.  He’d thought that Alex cared enough about him to ignore all of Rimmer’s bullshit, he’d certainly put up with enough of it before now.  Maybe Rimmer was right after all.  Maybe Alex didn’t give a damn about being his friend.  Maybe he had only wanted to get him back into bed.  Maybe he’d decided that all this was way too much grief to go through for someone who wasn’t putting out.  He traced the JMC logo on the glass with his fingertip, trying to distract himself.  He felt like he might start crying again.

            Damn the pair of them!  Why were they doing this to him?  The worst part was that there was nobody else for him to go to.  How could he explain this mess to Kryten, or the Cat?  Kriss might be sympathetic – eventually – but it would be torture spelling the whole sorry tale out to her.  And anyway, it wasn’t sympathy he wanted.  What he wanted was a shag.  A dirty, filthy, mind-blowing shag that would wipe his brain clear of everything else for the night so he wouldn’t have to think about all this smeg.

            “Are you okay?” He looked up in surprise and saw Lauren hovering over him, with an empty glass in her hand.  “I was on my way to the bar,” she said, “And I saw you sat over here looking like you wanted to smash that glass to bits and slit your wrists with the shards.  What’s wrong?”  Lister forced a smile,

“I’m okay.  It’s just been a real smeg of a day.  You know...”

“The whole Rimmer/Alex debacle went Krakotoa, did it?”

“Something like that,”

“And now you’re in here hiding from the fallout?”

“I guess so.”

“Want some company?”

            Lister looked her over.  She seemed concerned, but only mildly.  She didn’t really care too much about whether his ‘mates’ had fallen out.  So what was her agenda?  She _did_ seem like she cared whether he asked her to stay or not.  She gave him a tentative smile and then he knew with certainty that it wasn’t his problems she was interested in.  Hell, who needed Alex anyway?  He could make his own entertainment for the evening without relying on his charity!  He gave Lauren his most charming smile.  “Sure,” he said warmly, “You fancy another drink?”


	14. Chapter 14

             Lister and Lauren stumbled through the door into the darkness of her sleeping quarters; their lips locked together, their balance decidedly unsteady.  The lights flickered on, activated by the room’s motion sensors, and Lister swayed dangerously for a moment; disorientated by the flashing.  Lauren pulled him into the centre of the room, her long fingers wrestling with his belt buckle, trying to get it undone without having to break their kiss to look at it.  He let her struggle with it while he took the time to run his hands up her smooth, silky thighs and over her round perky ass.  This was fun, this was interesting.  He hadn’t been with a woman in so long he’d almost forgotten what it was like.  All softness and sweetness wrapped up in musky perfume.              

             Finally, she managed to unsnap his belt and unzip his jeans.  He moaned breathlessly as she eased his cock out and started stroking it.  “I always knew you’d have a big one...” she breathed playfully into his ear.  Her hands were small and delicate, almost teasing – so unlike the firm authoritative grasp of Rimmer, or Alex.  He slid his hands up her back and round to cup the warm, tender mounds of her breasts, feeling her nipples stiffen beneath the silky fabric as he caressed them.  Lauren murmured and pressed herself against him more firmly, her hand gently squeezing his cock.  Yes, it had definitely been too long since he’d done this.

            Much as he’d enjoyed sex with the two men in his life, Rimmer and Alex both had a habit of treating him like a plaything; pushing him into positions and situations that pleased them as if he were some weird kind of kinky poseable doll – a Shag Me Senseless Barbie.  It was an occupational hazard, he supposed, of being short and cute; it was hard to dominate someone a foot taller than you - and in all honesty, he’d always been a willing victim of their games.  Part of what had excited him so much that first tantalising night with Alex had been the delight of somebody else taking charge for once.  He’d liked the sense of abandonment, of giving himself up to somebody so completely.  But being here right now with Lauren gazing up into his eyes, offering herself so willingly to whatever he might want, had given him back something he’d lost these past few months; a sense of control.  He was back in the driving seat for a change and it felt good.

            He scooped up Lauren and hefted her onto the edge of the table, pushing the skirt of her dress up around her waist.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, parting her thighs to allow him between.  His cock pressed against a wet strip of satin panties and they both moaned.  She slipped her hand between her legs and pulled aside the flimsy barrier, “Fuck me,” she whispered breathlessly, “Please, Dave.  Fuck me now.”  It was an inviting prospect, but in Lister’s extensive experience, it was far better to make ‘em wait a while.  He kissed her to silence her pleas, and gently slid his fingers into the soft wetness she offered up, using his thumb to expertly stimulate her clit.  Within a minute or two he’d brought her to a flushed, breathless orgasm.  _Just like riding a space bike_, he thought smugly.  Inside his head, there was a snide retort, ‘_You should know’, _it said_ ‘you’re well on your way to being the ship’s space bike!’_

            Lister winced internally, apparently that Guilt Pixie had managed to swim its way to safety, even through an ocean of lager.  _Shut up_, he thought at it, _Shut up and go away!  I don’t care!  _His cock was achingly hard, and it was insisting that now was not the time to rethink his plans for the evening, but now the pixie had recovered from its swim, it was leaping up and down on a little desert island somewhere in his stomach and shouting like it had seen white sails in the distance.  _Congratulations, David Lister!  You can finger-fuck a girl to orgasm in 78 seconds; it’s just a shame you can’t keep your dick in your pants for that long!_

“Oh, Dave,” Lauren purred in his ear, “That was so good.”  _Tell her she can pay by cash or cheque_, the pixie sneered.  Lister couldn’t speak, in his less than clear-headed state, he wasn’t even sure which of them he should reply to.  Lauren feathered little kisses up the side of his neck, “I want your cock in me,” she whispered, “I want to feel you all the way in...”  _Tell her it’ll be another fifty quid_, the pixie said viciously.  Lister felt his face burn red, a combination of arousal and shame, and to distract himself he thrust into Lauren’s waiting tightness.  She gasped and clutched him tighter.  _I’m not a slut_, he thought desperately as he pumped into her, _I’m not doing this for money, I’m not doing this to be popular, I’m doing this because I want to!  _

_No, Dave, _the pixie said pityingly, _You’re__ doing this because you’re angry and hurt; and because you don’t want to think about the fact that your heart is breaking.  _Lister felt a lump forming in his throat, but he tried to ignore it.  _It’s not Lauren you want_, the pixie continued gently, _It’s__ not Alex.  It’s not some meaningless shag. _ _You want Love._  _You want Rimmer._  Lister couldn’t help it; his eyes flooded with tears suddenly and he pulled away from Lauren.  She looked up at him, baffled.  “Dave?  What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed, “I’m really sorry.  I shouldn’t have come here.  I’ve just made a total mess of everything.”

“Why?  What’s the matter?” she sat up and took his hand, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he squeezed her hand, “No, this is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have...Oh, smeg it all, I’ve been such a prick.”

“Hey, it’ll be okay,” Lauren said anxiously, “Just tell me what’s wrong.  It can’t be that bad.”

“I’m sorry, Lauren.  I really am.  I like you very much, but...but I’m doing this for all the wrong reasons and it’s not fair to you, or me, or...” he hesitated, “Or anyone else.”

            Lauren gave him a long look, and seemed to process his words for a few seconds before replying.  “Right.  I think I understand,” she said quietly

“I’m sorry,” Lister said again, backing away shamefully, straightening his clothes; “I’ll get out of your way.  I’ll let you shower...go to bed...whatever...I’ll just go.”

“Where?” she asked.  He blinked, not understanding.  Lauren slid off the table, pulling her skirt down to cover herself, “I get the feeling that you don’t want to be at your place tonight, what with the Rimmer-Alex crossfire still blazing.”

“I’ll go and sleep on Cat’s floor.  He won’t care.”

“No, he won’t.  He won’t lend you a blanket either,”

“Yeah, well...”

“Why don’t you stay here tonight?  You can sleep here on the couch.  Ruth won’t be back ‘til the morning; you can take her pillows and stuff.”

“I can’t do that,” Lister said wretchedly, “Not after the mess I’ve made of your evening.”

“It’s okay,” she shrugged, “No big deal.  I just thought...you and me...it might have been fun.  But if it’s not gonna happen then, hey, we can still be friends right?  No hard feelings?”

“I’d like that,” Lister said gratefully,

“So, you’ll stay?”

“Only if you’re sure it’s okay.”

“It’s okay, Dave.  Really.  I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I chucked you outta the place in tears now, would I?”

Lister shook his head and pulled her into a hug, “You’re one hell of a girl,” he sniffled into her hair, “And I’m sorry we can’t...you know.”

“I know,” She patted his back, “Go to sleep, Dave.  Whatever the problem is, it’ll all seem better in the morning.”

“God, I hope you’re right.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

            Ruth Miller was approaching the door to her sleeping quarters early the next morning when the door opened and she saw David Lister tiptoe out, looking somewhat embarrassed.  She wasn’t that surprised; she knew that Lauren had had her eye on him for a few weeks now and her room-mate didn’t tend to waste time when it came to such matters.  Lauren came out too and hovered in the doorway while they shared a few brief words and a hug.  Ruth didn’t hear what was said, but it didn’t look very romantic.  Dave caught sight of her and made his excuses to Lauren, smiling a little awkwardly at Ruth as he slunk past.  She smiled back, with an expression of ‘I know what you’ve been doing’.  “Well,” she said to Lauren once he was out of earshot, “He didn’t put up much of a fight, did he?”

“You’d be surprised,” Lauren replied dryly, going back inside.  Ruth followed her, intrigued.

“You mean you didn’t...”

“Not really.”  Lauren described to her the events of the previous evening over a coffee, from when she’d found him in the bar to the oddly unsuccessful conclusion of the night.  Ruth shook her head, perplexed, “That’s just bizarre!”

“I know,” Lauren shrugged.

“So you think there’s somebody else?  Another woman?”  Lauren stared down into the coffee she’d made and stirred it contemplatively.  “No,” she said thoughtfully, “No, somehow I don’t think it’s another _woman_ that’s the problem...”

 

            Alex opened the door of his quarters and saw Lister standing outside looking more depressed than he’d ever seen him.  “What’s wrong?” he asked, concerned.  Lister looked at him dismally, “I think I’ve just done something incredibly, incredibly stupid,” he said in a small voice.  Alex reached for his coat,

“Let’s get some coffee,” he said soothingly, “And you can tell me all about it.”

 

            Inside the cafe, he put a heavy mug down in front of his companion and sat down opposite him.  “You’ve had a fight with Rimmer, haven’t you?” he said.  Lister nodded.  “A bad one?” Lister nodded again.  “Was it about me?” he asked softly.  Lister shrugged awkwardly, “A little bit,” he admitted, “But it wasn’t your fault.”

“What happened?”

“I know about what he did yesterday.  Coming over and having a go at you.  Telling you to stop seeing me.  I’m sorry.”

“How did you find out?” Alex asked.

“Lauren saw him leaving your quarters.  She told me it looked like you guys had been fighting.  I confronted him and he told me everything.”

“And you weren’t very happy?”

“No, I was pissed off.  I still am.  He had no right.”

“That’s what I told him.”

“But you still ignored my calls last night.”

            Alex looked embarrassed.  “I’m sorry about that.  I wanted to see you, but I just wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.  I thought maybe it was for the best if you guys talked.”

“Well, we didn’t do much talking.  Did a lot of yelling though.”

“And?”

“And nothing.  I stormed out.  I was going to come and find you but...something happened.”  Lister suddenly looked very guilty.

“Something incredibly stupid?” Alex ventured knowingly.

“I bumped into Lauren again,” Lister said, without meeting his eyes.

“Oh. Lord.” Alex said succinctly, seeing what was coming, “You didn’t.  Tell me you didn’t.”

“Sort of,” Lister said awkwardly, “I wanted to.  And we kind of...started to.  But when it came down to it...” he shrugged.  “She let me stay the night anyway.  I crashed on her sofa.”

“And what did you tell her?  I hope you didn’t chicken out and let her think that this was going to be a regular thing?” Alex said sternly.  Lister laughed without humour, “As it happens that was quite unnecessary.  I think she knew there was something wrong - something more than a few too many drinks.  She informed me very kindly and tenderly this morning that if I ever fancy any no-strings-attached shagging I should call her first.  But she was giving me this look, like ‘We both know you don’t really want to be here.’  I think she knows I was there trying to get back at someone, she just can’t figure out who.”

            “Did anyone see you?” Alex asked seriously.

“Her bunkmate Ruth saw me as I was leaving and grinned a bit.  I don’t know how many people noticed us in the bar last night.  I was too hammered to be discreet.”

“Christ, Dave...” Alex sighed, putting his head in his hands.

“I know!  You don’t have to tell me!  I didn’t mean for this to happen!”  _It was meant to be you_, he thought bitterly, but didn’t say so.

            “Does Rimmer know about this?”

“No.  I haven’t been back yet.  I only just left Lauren’s.”

            “So what are you going to do now?” Alex asked.  Lister gave a depressed shrug.  “Don’t you think you should talk to Rimmer?”

“I still don’t know if I want to.  Last night he was....” Lister swallowed hard before speaking and Alex suddenly realised that he wasn’t just dejected about the situation – he was still really, really upset.  “...He was so spiteful, Alex.  He was saying such nasty things.  About you, about me, about everything.  It almost felt like when I first met him all those years ago when he never had a nice word to say about anyone or anything; as if nothing had happened between then and now.  Like...Like he’d never loved me or cared about me at all.”  Lister had to stop and wipe his eyes.

            “Dave,” Alex said gently, “You have to remember, as far as Rimmer’s concerned, not a lot _has_ happened between then and now.  You’ve had six years to get to know and fall in love with him, but he doesn’t remember any of that.  He hasn’t matured and mellowed like you.  All he has is the last nine months, and that’s not very long in the great scheme of things.”

“But he seemed so different, man,” Lister said, “He _had _changed.  Just from us being together he was a different person.  He was happier, kinder.  But now it seems like as soon as things aren’t going quite as he wants he just starts acting like...like...”

“Like Rimmer?” Alex said, with a sad smile.  Lister looked at him reprovingly but didn’t contest the remark. 

“Dave, Rimmer is who he is.  And nobody knows who he is better than you.  I don’t want to sound harsh, but I really can’t see why you’re so surprised by his behaviour.  He’s difficult, he’s insecure and he’s insensitive.  You _know_ all that.”

“But...” Lister began desperately.

“Yes, yes, I know he’s been on his best behaviour recently, but that’s because he’s never been in love before and it’s all new and wonderful for him.  And given time some of that might become permanent.  But you have to face facts; there are some things about him that are never going to change.  And I hate to say it, but I think one of those things is how he feels about you and me.”

            Lister stared dejectedly into his coffee.  If only Alex knew just how close he’d been last night to proving Rimmer right on that score.  But he had to know one way or the other... “Alex,” he said softly, “_Do_ you still have feelings for me?”  Alex looked at him in surprise.  Lister hesitated, but decided that from here on honesty was probably the best policy.  “Only...last night...before I bumped into Lauren...I was sort of looking for you.” 

            Alex took this in for a moment.  “To spite Rimmer?” he asked.

“Only partly,” Lister told him, “I wanted to get back what we’d had, even if it was just for one night.  All the hang-ups and jealousy.... It was never like that with you.  We were having fun, pure and simple.  I missed that.” 

Alex nodded slowly; “I see.”

“I just wanted to know,” Lister continued awkwardly, “If I had come over...If I’d gone to you instead of Lauren...Would you have...?” he trailed off, not wanting to say the words suddenly.  Alex, to his credit, thought hard before he answered.  “I would have been tempted,” he said finally, “I might even have gone ahead.  But it wouldn’t have been right or felt right.  Because you don’t love me, do you?”

“Do you want me to love you?” Lister asked timidly.

“I can’t pretend I don’t still care about you,” Alex said, “And in the right circumstances I would be willing to give us another try.  But those circumstances aren’t you having a bust-up with Rimmer and coming to me for comfort.  That’s not how I would want it.  And no matter what he – or even you for that matter – might think, I’m not out to split you two up.  I know that whatever he does, a part of you is always going to love him more than you’ll ever love me.  I realised that when he told me about how you two got together.  The night I left,” he added pointedly.

            Lister had the decency to look embarrassed, “He shouldn’t have told you that,” he said softly, “He was just trying to be hurtful.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it.” Alex didn’t bother making it a question.

“Yes, it’s true,” Lister admitted, defeated, “But it wasn’t like I couldn’t wait for you to leave so’s me and Rimmer could get it on.  I was sad and lonely because you’d left, and he was there, wanting me.”

“You’ve got to stop getting off with people just because you’re a bit depressed, David,” Alex said, apparently unimpressed.  Lister glared at him,

“Okay, okay, there was more to it than that.  I suppose you’re right...a part of me has always loved him.”

“He also said you told him he had a bigger dick than me.”  Lister snorted a laugh, he couldn’t help it.  “I take it that’s true as well then,” Alex said.

“Sorry,” Lister shrugged sympathetically.  Alex shook his head in disgust,

“I ought to just go and shoot myself in the head.”

“Size isn’t everything, you know,” Lister smiled, “And mine’s the biggest anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...”

            “Well...” said an icy voice behind them.  They looked up in surprise.  “I suppose there’s no point asking where you spent the night,” Rimmer said, looking at them with undisguised disgust.


	16. Chapter 16

 

            Alex opened his mouth to defend his friend, but Lister didn’t need any help.  “That’s right.  Go on and think the worst just like you always do,” he replied, “Don’t bother giving me the benefit of the doubt.”

“What doubt?  You stay out all night long and then I come in and find you having a cosy breakfast with your little fuck-buddy!  There doesn’t seem much room for doubt if you ask me!”

“Well, maybe you should try asking _me_ for a change!  Did you really think I was going to come back last night after everything you said to me?”

“Guys...” Alex said softly.

“What’s the matter, Listy?  Was the truth a little too painful for you?”

“The truth?  What the hell would you know about the truth?  You don’t seem to believe me no matter what I say!” 

“Why should I, when no matter what I say to you, you lie to me!”

“I haven’t lied to you about anything!”

“Guys...” Alex repeated, a little louder.

“Oh yeah?  Well, then why don’t you look me in the eye and tell me truthfully who you were with last night?” Rimmer shouted.

            In the pause that followed they suddenly realised the canteen had gone very quiet.  “I tried to stop you,” Alex said meekly.  Lister took a deep breath,

“Okay, Rimmer,” he said with forced serenity, “I’ll tell you where I went last night, but not here.  This isn’t the time or the place.”

“What?  You don’t want to admit in front of an audience what a cheating piece of scum you are?”

“That’s enough, Rimmer!” Lister said harshly, looking around embarrassed. 

“Oh for God’s sake,” Rimmer said disgusted.  He whirled to face the intrigued onlookers.  “Hey everyone!” he bellowed, “Lister and I have been shagging each other for the past nine months!  Only guess what?  He’s been cheating on me with his scummy ass-wipe of an ex-boyfriend!  So now that you won’t be hearing anything you don’t already know, we’ll just continue with our argument, okay?”

            Lister’s face flushed traffic-light red.  He shoved his chair back, elbowed roughly past Rimmer and ran out of the canteen.  Rimmer pursued him.  Alex smiled weakly at the crowd and slinked out with his head down.  In the echoing silence that followed somebody let out a long whistle.  All over the canteen, a lot of people suddenly seemed to be exchanging banknotes.

 

            Rimmer skidded to a halt outside their sleeping quarters.  The door was locked.  He hammered on it furiously, “Lister, open this door!”

“Go away!” Lister shouted angrily from within.

“I will not go away!  Open up!”

“No!”

“I mean it, Lister!  You open this door right this instant or...”

“Or what?”

“Or...Or I’ll go and tell the others what we’ve been doing!  I’ll tell them everything!  About you and me, about Alex, all of it!”

“Go ahead!  Seeing as you’ve already outed us in front of half the crew, by the time you find them they’ll probably already know!  Why didn’t you just announce it on the smegging P.A system!  It would have been more efficient!”

            Alex caught up and approached cautiously, “Is he okay?” he asked guardedly.

“Sod off!” Rimmer said angrily, “Haven’t you caused enough trouble?”

“Me?  I’m not the one who just went Melrose Place in the canteen!  I never realised you were such a drama queen.”

“You don’t expect me to be the littlest bit upset about the fact that you two have been shagging?”

“We haven’t!” Alex told him earnestly, “Dave wasn’t with me last night.  He only came over this morning to tell me you two had been fighting.”

“Well, if he wasn’t with you then where was he?”

“Ask him,” Alex said, nodding to the door. “I don’t expect you to believe anything _I_ say.”

            Rimmer returned his attention to the door, “Lister, where were you last night?”  There was no answer from the door.  “Come on!  If you weren’t with Alex then where did you go?”

“None of your business!” Came the belligerent reply.

“What do you mean it’s none of my business?” Rimmer yelled, “I’d like to know who’s business it is, if it’s not mine!”

“Maybe I _was_ with Alex!  What do you think about that?”

“Hey!” Alex called out indignantly, “Don’t drag me into this!”

“Tell him, Alex!  Tell him how good it was!” Lister shouted sarcastically through the door. 

“Dave, this isn’t helping,” Alex replied sternly.

“I don’t care!  Leave me alone!  _Both _of you!”

            “You know where he was, don’t you?” Rimmer asked quietly, as they turned away from the door in despair. 

“Yes,” Alex said, “But it’s not up to me to tell you.”

“Throw me a smegging bone here, Alex,” Rimmer said bitterly, “I need to know what’s going on.”

“It’s your own fault.  I warned you this would happen if you didn’t stop acting like such a git.”

“Listen, the last thing I need right now is a lecture, especially from you!”

“Actually, I think it’s exactly what you need,” Alex snapped, “Here we are, just where I said we’d end up yesterday, and you’re _still_ not listening!”  Rimmer bristled.  “Has it even occurred to you that he might be more willing to open the door and talk about this if you just apologised?” Alex asked sharply.

“Me?  Apologise for what?” Rimmer trilled.

“I don’t know exactly what happened last night, but he told me you said some pretty horrendous things to him.”

“Of course I did, I was angry.”

“And did you mean any of it?”

“Well...” Rimmer floundered, “Maybe...At the time.”

“You really upset him, you know.  He was almost in tears this morning just telling me about it.”  Rimmer threw a guilty look towards the locked door behind them.  “Just try it my way, will you, Rimmer?” Alex said wearily, “If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to yelling.”

            Awkwardly, Rimmer sidled back to the door.  “Lister?” he called gently.  No reply.  “Lister, please open the door.  I know I said some horrible things to you last night but...I was scared and hurt and...well, I just wanted to share it out, I suppose.  I didn’t really mean that stuff I said about you being...” he hesitated, throwing a brief glance at Alex.  Now that it came to it, he didn’t want to admit in front of Lister’s best friend what he’d called him.  “Anyway, I’m sorry.  Please, let’s talk about this.  I don’t want to fight anymore.  I just want things back the way they were.  Please, Listy; open the door.”  There was a pause, and then the entry panel on the door flashed green.  Lister had unlocked it.  Rimmer sighed with relief.  He glanced over his shoulder at Alex, who gave him an encouraging half-smile; “Now don’t screw it up,” he added by way of advice.  Rimmer smiled back weakly and pressed his palm against the panel.

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

            Lister was sitting at the table with his arms folded, staring at Rimmer reproachfully.  Rimmer sat down meekly, “I really am sorry,” he said awkwardly.  Lister didn’t reply.  “I love you,” Rimmer added hopefully.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that,” Lister replied coldly.  Rimmer winced,

“Look, I know I was wrong.  About...well, about everything.  This relationship stuff...it’s all still new to me.  I don’t mean to be such a gonad-brained goit, it’s just the only way I know how to deal with things.  You know that.”

“I know it,” Lister said tensely, “But that doesn’t make it feel any better when you’re screaming obscenities in my face accusing me of fucking half the crew.”

“I know the things I said to you last night were unforgivable,” Rimmer looked at his hands, ashamed, “I knew it as soon as I’d said them.  And that’s why I was so afraid that you’d gone to Alex.  Because I knew that in the circumstances it would have been understandable.  And I would have deserved it.”

“I almost did,” Lister told him, suddenly focusing very hard on a bare patch of wall on the other side of the room.

“But you didn’t.”

“No,” Lister said quietly.

            Rimmer swallowed hard, “So...where did you go?”  Lister didn’t answer him, and Rimmer’s hopes that he had simply gone and crashed with either the Cat or Kryten gurgled down the plughole of despair.  Pangs of dread and uncertainty started sinking their claws into his stomach.  “Please tell me,” he begged in a voice that didn’t sound like his own, “Even if it’s bad.  Because I don’t think I could handle not knowing.  I think that would drive me even crazier than....than...”  _Than the thought of you in bed with somebody else_; his brain supplied the words that he couldn’t bring himself to speak.  “Please, Listy.  Who were you with last night?”  Lister bit his lip, hesitating.  “Kriss?” Rimmer asked tremulously.

“No,” he replied softly.  He looked up and met the pain of Rimmer’s gaze, “Lauren.”

            Rimmer had to take a moment to compose himself; he felt like he’d been punched in the stomach.  “Lauren,” he repeated.  Lister looked away again, ashamed.  Rimmer swallowed hard.  His throat had gone very dry.  “Did you...Did you...?”

“Not quite,” Lister said quietly, “I went back with her to her quarters and I had every intention of screwing her senseless,” he gave Rimmer a sharp look, “And then coming back here today and showing you the photos just like you wanted.” Rimmer closed his eyes.  “But when it came down to it....Once I was there in her room and we were going at it across the table, and I should have been horny as hell...” Lister stopped and shook his head, “All I could hear was your voice in my head screaming the word ‘Slut!’  And I couldn’t do it.”  He wiped at his eyes.  “I stayed the night on her sofa and then went to find Alex this morning.  To talk,” he added, with a meaningful glare.

            Rimmer put his head in his hands.  “So, it wasn’t...you didn’t...”

“It was a meaningless half-shag that ended with me crying my eyes out with my keks round my ankles,” Lister replied testily, “If that makes you feel any better.”  Rimmer snorted and shook his head helplessly.  The ridiculousness of the image made the pain slightly more bearable.  “I think you’re the only person I’ve ever met who could burst into tears in the middle of sex,” he said hopelessly, “You’ve got the emotional boundaries of a fourteen year old girl.”

“Says you!” Lister replied indignantly, “I hardly think your behaviour yesterday was the pinnacle of mature, reasoned thought!”

“No,” Rimmer admitted.  He gave a deep sigh and looked up into Lister’s eyes, “Can you forgive me?” he asked, “For what I said?  And...what I did?”

“I don’t think I have much choice,” Lister said dismally, “Considering what I did in retaliation.”

“I don’t care about that,” Rimmer told him earnestly.  Lister looked at him warily.  “I don’t,” he insisted.  “If I thought you’d gone to someone you actually wanted, who you actually had feelings for, then that would be different.  But Lauren?” He laughed despite himself, “I mean, smeg it all, do you even know her surname?” 

            Lister opened his mouth to protest but nothing came out.  His eyes glazed over for a moment as he thought frantically.  “Foster!” he finally said triumphantly.  Rimmer grinned, “You had to think about it.”

“You’re right, I’m a disgusting person,” Lister moaned, covering his face, “Going off with girls who’s names I can’t even remember. I really am a slut.” Rimmer reached over and took his hand, “I forgive you,” he said gently.  Lister flung himself out of his chair into Rimmer’s arms and they held each other tightly.  “Does this mean you forgive me too?” he asked.  Lister wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his neck.  Rimmer felt something hot and wet on his skin; “Are you crying again?”  Lister sniffed and nodded and Rimmer smiled contentedly, “You’re a big baby.”

“That’s why you love me,” Lister snuffled.

“I suppose it is.”

            Lister drew back, wiping his eyes, “What are we going to do? I mean, everybody _knows_.”  Rimmer nodded,

“Yes.  I suppose it will have gone round the ship three times by now, thanks to me and my big mouth.”

“What are we going to tell the others?  It shouldn’t have been this way.  We should have come clean months ago.”

“It’s a bit late to be worrying about that now.  Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.  There never would have been a good time to bring it up; at least everything’s out in the open now.”

“What about Alex?  We didn’t really give him a choice in the matter, did we?”

“No,” Rimmer said guiltily, “I suppose that wasn’t really fair.  I should apologise for that.”

“Just that?” Lister asked meaningfully.

“For everything,” Rimmer muttered, “And I suppose I owe him a ‘thank you’ as well.”

“What for?”

“Well, for not trying to get his end away with you last night, for one.  And for some of the good advice he’s given me over the last couple of days.”

            “See,” Lister poked him gently, “Told you he wasn’t so bad.”

“No,” Rimmer said with weary reluctance, “You were right.  He is...” he sighed and forced the words out, “He is a nice guy.  And he’s been a good friend to you.”  Lister kissed his cheek, “I’m sure he’d be your friend too,” he said softly, “If you gave him a chance.  Then we could all be friends.  Wouldn’t that make life easier?”  Rimmer kissed Lister’s forehead, “It would,” he agreed quietly.

“And we’re going to need a good friend when all this reaches Kriss.  You know how she hates to be left out of gossip.  She’s gonna kick our arses all the way to Callisto and back for _this_.”.......

 

 

                                                                                                THE END


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